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| Scene of the mystery discovery, the official Congressional Sock Drawer. |
A befuddled Republican Congress this week discovered a strange document while sorting mismatched socks. In the drawer under the Argyles,
tube sox, over-the-calf dress hose, smelly
gym socks, and some that apparently were used for, well, cleaning up “nocturnal emissions” they
discovered a tattered page on yellowing parchment with faded ink.
Funny, the last time Congress looked the liner was the Wall Street Journal page
of insider stock tips with a bullet.
Considering an investigation of how the scrap got in the drawer, Congress showed
the paper to alleged experts.
Someone with a photographic memory recognized it as something called The Bill of Rights, which evidently had
something to do with another document called the Constitution. Legend has
it that it was adopted after Virginia
approved it on December 15, 1789.
 |
| Real Founding Father Moses with the tablet whose words were mysteriously inserted into the mystery document. |
Congress, however, has its
doubts. The words scribbled on
the page in high falutin’ script were unfamiliar except one bullet
point that seemed to echo a holy
commandment handed thought to be handed down by Founding Father Moses on
an extra tablet. The rest seemed horrifically dangerous and might be Communist.
Trying to keep the document from becoming public, Congress hid it under the bed with the collection of vintage Playboy
magazines.
Unfortunately, a perverted housekeeper found the
document and leaked a copy to the press. Most of the main stream media would not touch such
an inflammatory document. Word
circulated mostly in the alternative
media, subversive websites, and on social
media.
 |
| Trump supporter mocks life sized statue of alleged author of the questionable document, "Little Jemmy Madison." |
GOP Presidential front Runner Donald Trump was asked about it at an appearance before the questioner
was tackled and beaten while the
crowd chanted “lynch him, lynch him.” Trump did say that the document was just the “ravings of losers” and launched on a
five minute mocking attack on one of
the alleged authors, James Madison, for
being a pygmy runt.
As a public service we in the blog-o-sphere have a responsibility to
put it out the controversial and disputed
text so you can decide for yourselves on its authenticity and/or relevance.
With some trepidation Heretic, Rebel, a Thing to Flout
presents the text here.
If you do not hear from us again
within 24 hours please notify Amnesty
International.
 |
| Leaked copy of the suppressed document. |
The Preamble to the Bill of Rights
Congress of the United States begun and held at the City of New-York, on Wednesday the
fourth of March, one thousand seven hundred and eighty nine.
THE
Conventions of a number of the States, having at the time of their adopting the
Constitution, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse
of its powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be
added: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government, will
best ensure the beneficent ends of its institution.
RESOLVED by the
Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America, in
Congress assembled, two thirds of both Houses concurring, that the following
Articles be proposed to the Legislatures of the several States, as amendments
to the Constitution of the United States, all, or any of which Articles, when
ratified by three fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents
and purposes, as part of the said Constitution; viz.
ARTICLES in
addition to, and Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America,
proposed by Congress, and ratified by the Legislatures of the several States,
pursuant to the fifth Article of the original Constitution.
Amendment
I
Congress
shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or
the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government
for a redress of grievances.
A
well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the
right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
No
Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent
of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
The
right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects,
against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no
Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or
affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the
persons or things to be seized.
No
person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime,
unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising
in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time
of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence
to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any
criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life,
liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be
taken for public use, without just compensation.
In
all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and
public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime
shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained
by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be
confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for
obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his
defence.
In
Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty
dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a
jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than
according to the rules of the common law.
Excessive
bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual
punishments inflicted.
The
enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to
deny or disparage others retained by the people.
The
powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited
by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
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