|Scene of the mystery discovery, the official Congressional Sock Drawer.|
A befuddled Republican Congress this week discovered a strange document while sorting mismatched socks. In the drawer under the Argyles, tube sox, over-the-calf dress hose, smelly gym socks, and some that apparently were used for, well, cleaning up “nocturnal emissions” they discovered a tattered page on yellowing parchment with faded ink.
Funny, the last time Congress looked the liner was the Wall Street Journal page of insider stock tips with a bullet.
Considering an investigation of how the scrap got in the drawer, Congress showed the paper to alleged experts. Someone with a photographic memory recognized it as something called The Bill of Rights, which evidently had something to do with another document called the Constitution. Legend has it that it was adopted after Virginia approved it on December 15, 1789.
|Real Founding Father Moses with the tablet whose words were mysteriously inserted into the mystery document.|
Congress, however, has its doubts. The words scribbled on the page in high falutin’ script were unfamiliar except one bullet point that seemed to echo a holy commandment handed thought to be handed down by Founding Father Moses on an extra tablet. The rest seemed horrifically dangerous and might be Communist.
Trying to keep the document from becoming public, Congress hid it under the bed with the collection of vintage Playboy magazines.
Unfortunately, a perverted housekeeper found the document and leaked a copy to the press. Most of the main stream media would not touch such an inflammatory document. Word circulated mostly in the alternative media, subversive websites, and on social media.
|Trump supporter mocks life sized statue of alleged author of the questionable document, "Little Jemmy Madison."|
GOP Presidential front Runner Donald Trump was asked about it at an appearance before the questioner was tackled and beaten while the crowd chanted “lynch him, lynch him.” Trump did say that the document was just the “ravings of losers” and launched on a five minute mocking attack on one of the alleged authors, James Madison, for being a pygmy runt.
As a public service we in the blog-o-sphere have a responsibility to put it out the controversial and disputed text so you can decide for yourselves on its authenticity and/or relevance. With some trepidation Heretic, Rebel, a Thing to Flout presents the text here.
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The Preamble to the Bill of Rights
Congress of the United States begun and held at the City of New-York, on Wednesday the fourth of March, one thousand seven hundred and eighty nine.
THE Conventions of a number of the States, having at the time of their adopting the Constitution, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government, will best ensure the beneficent ends of its institution.
RESOLVED by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, two thirds of both Houses concurring, that the following Articles be proposed to the Legislatures of the several States, as amendments to the Constitution of the United States, all, or any of which Articles, when ratified by three fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents and purposes, as part of the said Constitution; viz.
ARTICLES in addition to, and Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America, proposed by Congress, and ratified by the Legislatures of the several States, pursuant to the fifth Article of the original Constitution.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.