Read it Here First! We Got the Text of the State of the Union Address

The Cheeto-in-Charge at his it's-not-really-a-State-of-the-Union speech in 2016.

As dawn broke over a frigid Crystal Lake this morning witnesses reported a huffing and puffing young man said to resemble Donald Trump Jr. peddled up to our driveway on a vintage balloon tire Schwinn and plopped a sealed blue envelope down on the pavement next to this morning’s Northwest Herald.  I picked both items up and stuffed them in my messenger bag as I got on the Pace Bus to come to work in Woodstock.

Passing the opportunity to do the crossword puzzle on the commute, I opened the envelope and was stunned to discover that it was an excerpt from the State of the Union Address (SOTU) scheduled to be delivered to a joint session of Congress tonight.  According to a note scrawled on Office of Official White House Leaks stationary Heretic, Rebel, a Thing to Flout is just one of a handful of “Prestige media outlets” to be sent this “unprecedented preview to circumvent Fake News reports that will claim the President said something completely different.”  Among the outlets who received a similar package were Breitbart, The Sean Hannity/Fox News Fan Club Newsletter, Stormfront, Resorts magazine, and Dell’s Fun ‘N’ Easy Crosswords. 

Trumps speech writers, image consultants, strategists, and immediate family  members hard at work on an early draft of the State of the Union Address.

While I am somewhat mystified about how this little pop stand was included in this august company, I have quickly run the text by our panel of exerts in expensive looking suits and former NSA code breakers for analysis.  Reactions varied.  One exclaimed this is “the most lucid text by the President in recent memory.”

At any rate, in fulfilment of our journalistic duty here is the excerpt provided to us in its entirety.  

Our editorial cartoonist suffered a nervous breakdown after rushing to complete this illustration but not being able to figure out what to label the Beast.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe:  All mimswere the borogoves and the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!  Beware the Jubjub bird and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand.  Long time the manxome foe he sought—So rested he by the Tumtum tree and stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood, the Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, came whiffling through the tulgey wood, and burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head he went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”  He chortled in his joy.

Our panel of experts believe the so-called Jabberwock may be CNN, Robert Mueller, Hillary Clinton, Colin Kaepernick, Meryl Streep, or some conspiracy involving others.  Jabjub bird was suspected to be author Michel Wolfe and the furious Bandersnatch may be either Stormy Daniels or Melania Trump.  A fist fight and coin toss called it for the First Lady.

Other portions of the text are being analyzed by the network of super computers employed by Search for Intelligent Life in the Universe (SETI) project but have not yet been completed.