Sunday, April 1, 2012

Making “Eat My Shorts” a Reality

Reginald Xavier Fitzhugh Marimba at his official residence in St. Vitus and Marmalade just weeks before his untimely death.

Note:  This first appeared in this blog one year ago.   Nobody got it then, so like it or not, you are getting it again.

On an auspicious evening Reginald Xavier Fitzhugh Marimba, and exiled and poverty stricken egg candler and amateur inventor made a discovery that would have far reaching consequences for dieters and sex addicts alike.  After a hard day at a Florida chicken farm, Marimba came home to his tar paper shack to resume the experiments that had consumed him for years.  Like so many other breakthroughs his discovery would come as he was working on something else—a self replicating polymer for use in the production of cheap milk jugs that could also be used capture siphoned gasoline by the people of his native land St. Vitus and Marmalade, two tiny Caribbean islands that had recently gained independence from Great Britain when it was discovered the Crown did not even realize they existed.

That fateful night, April 1, 1967 the contents of half a box of orange Jell-O™ was knocked over by a stampeding herd of cockroaches into a simmering pan of pseudo-latex bubbling on a gas ring in a corner of his laboratory/hovel.  The next morning Marimba found a scum residue in the pan.  He inexplicably taste tested it.  It tasted like vaguely citrus silly putty.  Quickly he discovered that the stuff could the cut into sheets and even sewn.  The application for his discovery came in a rum and hashish induced dream days later—edible underwear.

Marimba patented his idea, and with a dozen prototypes packaged in used Kleenex™ boxes began to make the rounds of possible producers of his revolutionary product.  Inexplicably, he could not get passed steely-eyed receptionists.  When he became insistent, he was often physically ejected by armed guards and on occasion arrested.  One company even succeeded in having him temporarily committed to a mental facility after his 113th visit to their offices.  Despite the hardship, Marimba persisted.

Almost ready to give up, he decided to make one more try at Monsanto, a company with a reputation for willingness to market things not found in nature.  Fortunately for him the receptionist on duty that day in 1974 was Mai Lia Horschacht, the entirely unqualified mistress of the Chairman of the Board.  Marimba gave her a sample, which she tried on in the lady’s room on her Angle Dust™ break.  Ms. Horschacht came to an immediate orgasm.  Recognizing her find, she showed it to the Chairman in the Executive wash room on his cocaine break.  He also came to orgasm and became the first to display the stained teeth which would become the hallmark of all users of the product. 

Impressed, the savvy executive bought the patent rights from Marimba for $439.27, a used Chevy Vega™, and two tickets to a Menudo™ concert.  Monsanto went into immediate production and by 1976 was delivering 26 million units annually of its Pretty Pleasin’ Panties™ to eager customers around the world.  Sex and dinner were never the same.

Marimba returned in triumph to his native land where he was proclaimed a national hero.  His face was printed on the St. Vitus and Marmalade six schilling note, the highest denomination issued by that country.  On the strength of his accomplishments, Marimba was elected Prime Minister on the Tory,Tori, Torie™ Party ticket in 1981.

Unfortunately Marimba was killed by a platoon of wayward U.S. Marines who thought they had landed in Grenada in 1983.  President Ronald Reagan chuckled and was quoted as saying, “Well, you can’t get them all right.  He was probably a Commie anyway. Aren’t they all?” Members of the Marine platoon were decorated at a Rose Garden ceremony.

No comments:

Post a Comment